Death, I’ve been recently noticing, is happening all around me, and more frequently and closer than ever before. I’ve never been to a funeral, I went to my first memorial service a few weeks ago, and no one in my immediate family has died that I personally knew. Both my grandpas died without me ever meeting them. I had an uncle that died I had no idea about. My grandma died a few years ago, and to be honest, it didn’t really hurt me. I teared up at the sound of my aunt’s voice over the phone only because I knew that she was sad and the emotions portrayed in the shaking of her voice broke my heart. Family to me, isn’t really something I truly cherish. I’ve always wanted that and envy others with super close family relationships, but I can never have that with mine. Now that my friends’ family and friends are dying, I can’t help but think, when will the day come that I experience death before my eyes? My family is not Christian. My mom goes to church, but do I honestly believe she accepts Jesus as her Lord and savior? No. My parents are pretty old now… 60 and 54. We’re not rich at all so my dad can’t retire. What will I do if God doesn’t pull them close to Him so they may be saved before they die? Will I blame myself for my distance from family that they couldn’t accept God’s love? Do they see God’s love in me? I doubt it with my cold hearted attitude at home. When I’m judged for my actions, will this be on the list of things I could have done, but decided to have too much pride and selfishness? I can’t help but to feel great sadness is not too far ahead… And this frightens me beyond belief.
“Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.” -Isaiah 51:3
I was so skeptical this day would actually come. Even though it’s way different than I imagined, it still counts. And I can’t ask for anything more.
I will remain faithful and thankful.
2 jobs, 2 classes + 3rd starting Monday, duty to church, and a bag full of other personal problems. Midterm week. Stress week. If-you-bother-me-I-will-snap week. How will I get through this without saying “Why is this happening to me?” Because God wills it and He will provide blessings through hardships to nurture me.
I’ve got a full plate of God’s blessings, yet I can’t be thankful enough. I’ll get there, to the point where I’m solely dependent on God because that’s sufficient for me. One day I’ll be able to genuinely be happy no matter what the situation with a heart filled of God’s love.
"If only things weren’t the way they are."
But sadly this is reality. It’s bittersweet but I wish for the best. I’m content knowing that God is the focal point and always will be. He will always be more important than anything, no matter how much I try to fight that innate desire for Him out of my bitterness. He’ll wait patiently while I kick, cry, and scream the whole way. And in the end He still tells me, “I love you. Come to me.”
"You are meant to fight. When you are sick, your body fights for its right to function. When you hold your breath, your body fights for its right to breathe. There are billions of tiny events—from the surface of your skin, down to the very cells of your body—that have to happen in order for you to be simply sitting here today. If your most minuscule parts haven’t given up yet,
Why should you?"